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Posted Wednesday 31st of December 1969 05:00:00 PM

Sympathy Etiquette

What to send and when is difficult when someone you care about is grieving. Below is a list of commonly asked questions regarding sympathy gift etiquette. Remember that your sympathy gift delivers the message, "Someone is thinking about you and acknowledging your grief".

Common Sympathy Gift Etiquette Questions

• Is it appropriate to send a gift instead of flowers?
• Do I send a gift even if there is not a service?
• If the family requested a charitable donation "in lieu of flowers" is it still appropriate to send a sympathy gift?
• The funeral is already over. Can I still send a gift?
• What can I do to commemorate the an anniversary of a death?
• I was close to the deceased but didn't really know the family. What can I do?
• I am close to the grieving person but did not know the deceased. Is it still appropriate to send a gift?
• I already sent a sympathy card. Is it appropriate to send a sympathy gift a little bit later?
• As a group we sent flowers to a co-worker. Is it acceptable to send a sympathy gift just from me?
• Should I expect a thank you from the person to whom I sent a gift?

Sympathy Gift Etiquette Answers

Is it appropriate to send a gift instead of flowers?
Flowers are the traditional method of acknowledging sympathy and a nice arrangement is a lovely gift but a lasting sympathy gift extends the message of caring. Flowers are usually left at the cemetery or donated to senior homes, leaving the family to return home with only the small florist cards. All of My Deepest Sympathy gifts have items that last and nurture the bereaved through their grief process.Whether it's a simple keepsake gift box, a book, a gift box with tea or other items, the bereaved will have something to remind them that their friends have them in their thoughts.

Do I send a gift even if there is not a service?
Flowers are the traditional method of acknowledging sympathy and a nice arrangement is a lovely gift but a lasting sympathy gift extends the message of caring. Flowers are usually left at the cemetery or donated to senior homes, leaving the family to return home with only the small florist cards. All of My Deepest Sympathy gifts have items that last and nurture the bereaved through their grief process. Whether it's a simple keepsake gift box, a book, a gift box with tea or other items, the bereaved will have something to remind them that their friends have them in their thoughts.

If the family requested a charitable donation "in lieu of flowers" is it still appropriate to send a sympathy gift?
A sympathy gift sends your personal message of condolence. You may choose to express your condolences in more than one way; sending a card, making a charitable contribution, sending a sympathy gift and offering practical help and assistance. In some cases, families are saying " we don't want people to spend money on flowers, which in the end simply, die". They may believe that money is better spent on a charitable organization. However, they are not saying we don't want gifts of support and comfort. If you feel a sympathy gift best conveys your message of condolence, the bereaved will certainly appreciate your support.

The funeral is already over. Can I still send a gift?
A sympathy gift delivered to the home after the busyness of the funeral and visiting friends and family is often more appreciated. When others have returned to their own homes and lives, the arrival of a gift of sympathy can warm a grieving heart and deliver a special message- you are not forgotten. People continue to grieve after the funeral is over, anytime within the first year after a death is an appropriate time to send a message of sympathy and support.

What can I do to commemorate the an anniversary of a death?
The anniversaries and holidays that pass without the deceased are often very difficult for grieving families. A sympathy gift received during these times is very special because it reminds the bereaved they are not forgotten. These sympathy gifts are sometimes referred to as 'memorial gifts' and their arrival validates an important part of the bereaved life; they are still grieving. Grieving takes time. If you know a friend or family member is hurting and want to acknowledge the anniversary of death or a special holiday, a memorial gift is a true comfort.

I was close to the deceased but didn't really know the family. To whom do I send the sympathy gift to?
According to etiquette you send the gift to the closest relative of the person who has died, i.e.: the widow or the eldest child. It is appropriate in this case to inform the gift recipient how you were connected to the deceased. For example, in the case of the death of a business associate you may want to send something to the widow or widower. In your card you could say something like: "June and I worked together closely on many accounts at ABC Inc., she was a wonderful woman and fantastic coworker. I/we will truly miss her and send you our deepest condolences."

I am close to the grieving person but did not know the deceased. What can I do?
This is a common occurrence as families move across the country and around the world from their family of origin. Your gift of sympathy will be warmly received even though you did not know the deceased. When someone is experiencing a difficult time, especially grief, it feels good to know that others are thinking of you and acknowledging your grief. Send your gift to the person with whom you are acquainted even if they are not the closest relative. It is very appropriate to send a gift of sympathy in this instance. During the grieving process we need support from our friends.

I already sent a sympathy card. Is it appropriate to send a sympathy gift a little bit later?
Grief does not need to be acknowledged in one package or in one specific way. Sending a sympathy card sends the message you care and are honoring the bereaved person's loss. If you find out later someone is really struggling or you feel like your card just didn't convey your message of support, it is appropriate to send a sympathy gift. Sympathy gifts are well received because they recognize grief and provide support for the healing process.

As a group we sent flowers to a co-worker. Is it acceptable to send a sympathy gift just from me?
If you want to send a more personal message of support, then sending a sympathy gift from yourself following a group gift is just fine. You may have a closer relationship with the bereaved than others. Acknowledging this relationship with a gift just from you lets your friend know you care. Sometimes people feel they can't do enough for friends who are grieving and sending a sympathy gift after a gift of flowers or a group memorial contribution offers support and comfort when someone really needs it.

Should I expect a thank you response from the person to whom I sent a gift?
I know from my own experience with the loss of my Father, there was so much to do that sitting down to write "Thanks you notes seemed to be overwhelming. The gifts and cards will be very much appreciated but please be patient with receiving Thank you's.". If you are wondering if the person received your gift it is acceptable to call after a reasonable period of time. and offer support to the grieving person. Through the course of your conversation you may feel comfortable asking if they received your gift. Often times they will thank you over the phone and apologize for their tardiness in getting out thank you cards. Just listen carefully to what the bereaved person is saying and know that providing support to a grieving heart is much more important than receiving a timely thank you from someone who is experiencing a very difficult life transition.